There are many possible reasons you might associate feelings of anxiety
with your sexual encounters. Sexual anxiety may be related to fears
about your performance (performance anxiety), issues with your
relationship, trust issues associated with negative past experiences,
PTSD resulting from rape or other trauma, or a lack of honesty about
your sexual desires. All of these sources of anxiety can spawn sexual
dysfunction including impotence or premature ejaculation. Both men and
women can have these issues; as a man you might have difficulty
maintaining an erection; if you are a woman, you can still have the
equivalent. The answer isn’t to pop pills; medicating should be your
last resort. First, try treating your sexual anxiety.
Performance Anxiety
Performance
anxiety is probably the most common cause of erectile dysfunction and
other issues relating to performance. Ironically, your worrying about
your ability to have an erection or have or give an orgasm can lead to
you experiencing premature ejaculation, impotence, or the like. This is
because you’re focused on what could go wrong and you’re not focused on
having a good time. An experience that should be fun and positive
turns into something which is stressful and tedious. Both men and women
manage to wrap their genders up in this issue as well—you may think,
“I’m not a man if I can’t have an erection,” or “I’m worthless if I
can’t have an orgasm.”
Think about this for a moment. It’s
ridiculous—you’re worth more than that. Some basic self-respect is
central to a healthy, positive sex life. Your gender is not at stake,
and if your partner’s respect rests solely on your sexual performance,
there’s nothing you can do about that, because it’s irrational and
unreasonable. You can’t control how others think of you, including your
partner. If your partner is a worthy individual, he or she just wants
to enjoy a good time with you. Learn to relax and enjoy the experience
and not worry about the details. Oftentimes if you let go of your
expectations and worry, your erection or your orgasm will take care of
itself.
Relationship Problems
If your partner actually is
unreasonable in the sack, you need to do something about that. If your
partner is judging you by your ability to have an erection or an orgasm
or any other particular factor, your partner isn’t respecting your
basic nature, and some perspective needs to be shed on this issue. You
might also have sexual anxiety if you have some other relationship
problem which has nothing to do with sex. Work on building
communication and dealing with your relationship problems. Once you’ve
worked through them and created a more positive situation, you may
overcome your sexual anxiety.
Trust Issues
A lot of people
have difficulty in sexual situations not because of anything to do with
their current partner, but simply because so many of their past partners
have been so unfortunate. If you’ve made a lot of poor choices or
you’ve been betrayed by past partners, you can start to wonder if your
current partner is next, in which case you may not feel comfortable
sharing your sexuality with your partner. If you can get perspective on
these trust issues, however, you can learn not to listen to the
mistrustful voice in your head. If your partner has earned your trust,
don’t give credence to the paranoia you may have, and over time it
should start to go away. Your partner is not those people from your
past.
PTSD
PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) of any
sort can hinder sexual performance, but it is particularly likely if
the past experience involved rape. PTSD can cause you to have
difficulty building trust or feeling physically comfortable with a
partner. It can cause your mind, your body, or both, not to respond the
way you expect them to. Therapy can help treat PTSD, as can building
trust with your current partner. Learning to feel physically
comfortable with your partner without any pressure can help to alleviate
sexual anxiety. Your partner should not judge you or disrespect you on
the basis of your PTSD, nor should you judge yourself for it. If your
partner is truly worthy, reminding yourself that you are with someone
who is safe and who respects your boundaries can help you to relax. It
may take a long time to build new positive sexual experiences, but it
can be worth the effort.
Dishonesty About Your Sexual Desires
In
some cases sexual anxiety can result if you are not honest with
yourself or your partner about your sexual desires. Sometimes this is
something as pronounced as not accepting your own sexual orientation.
Other times it has to do with a fetish you don’t want to acknowledge or
things you want to try but are too nervous to express. Odds are you’ve
learned your sense of shame from social repression, so try not to blame
yourself for it. Accept who you are and be honest about who you are.
Once again, you cannot control how others perceive you, but you can at
least respect yourself. Once you do you are more likely to have a fun,
fulfilling sex life with your partner. If your partner does not respect
who you are, you deserve someone better.
Identify the Cause and Treat It
Once
you’ve figured out what’s causing your sexual anxiety, focus on finding
ways to cope with or treat that cause. Sexual anxiety can compound if
you lose perspective; for example, if you have PTSD but don’t allow
yourself space to deal with it, you could develop unrealistic
expectations and then start experiencing performance anxiety. Or if you
have performance anxiety and you make it into a bigger problem than it
is, you could develop relationship issues which then feed the cycle. So
try not to let your problem compound; acknowledge that it is there,
and then do your best to move on with your sex life. Sex is supposed to
be fun, a way for you to share with your partner. So have fun and
enjoy your sex life, even if it isn’t “perfect.” The more you enjoy and
the less you stress, the more fun you’ll ultimately have, and the less
your sexual anxiety will interfere.
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