Suzanne, an attractive young woman, sat down in my office,
heaved a great sigh and said, ?I?m a failure as a lover. I?m good at
everything else ? I?m a good mother, a good teacher, a great cook. Why
can?t I be proficient at sex too??
I smiled at her. ?Heaven deliver us from ?proficient? sex! It sounds just like work.?
So many of us have the idea that sex is a technique to be mastered, like French cooking or a good backhand. Suzanne admitted that she had scoured dozens of popular sex manuals in a search for tips on how to be a better lover, but she still felt that she was disappointing her husband in bed.
?Forget about technique; concentrate on feeling sexual,? I told her. ?It?s a rare man who is disappointed by a contented lover.?
One of the major causes of sexual unhappiness and frustration is preoccupation with technique. We become convinced that we?re doing it wrong, that somehow we do not look right when we make love, that we don?t move our bodies properly or touch our partner in just the right way. If only we could find the right book, the right teacher; if only we knew exactly what to do.
Nonsense! There simply isn?t all that much to learn about sex ? not technically, that is. The fact is, good sex comes pretty naturally ? if we would only let it. Obsessed with technique, we end up doing sex instead of feeling it. We are all control and no pleasure. As I told Suzanne, ?The way to become a good lover is to allow yourself to have fun. All you have to do is enjoy yourself.?
That?s not what most people think, especially those who believe that a ?good lover?s? primary goal is to please her mate. But that?s my point. Too many of us become totally involved in trying to set just the right mood, to look right and move right and be right ? everything but feel right.
If instead of focusing on pleasing our husbands, we focused on our own sexual feelings ? on getting inside ourselves and delighting in our sensations ? we?d be the best lovers in the world. What really makes a woman a great lover, and the best way for a woman to do that is to wholly and openly enjoy herself.
?But how can I enjoy myself,? asked one woman, ?when the only time we have for sex is just before we go to sleep at night??
How, indeed! For many of us, life is hectic enough trying to get the children off to school, ourselves off to work and back home again, dinner on the table, and the kids to bed. By 10 or 11 p.m., how are we supposed to suddenly transform ourselves into fabulous, turned-on lovers? We need more than a dab of perfume to make the transition from hardworking wife and mother to great lover.
But if we allow ourselves to feel sexual all day long, we won?t have to make much of transition, after all. Here?s how to turn another ordinary day into an extraordinary, sexy day: schedule ?sensual interludes? from the moment you wake up until you finally have your husband to yourself.
6:10 AM
Set the alarm 20 minutes early so you can linger in bed a little while, feeling your body slowly come alive. Cuddle with your partner for a few precious moments like you used to in the ?good old days.? Daydream for a few minutes about the special times during your courtship. Remind him of a particularly pleasant memory. And break another tired pattern: Smile at him.
6:45
Pamper yourself. Take your time getting ready for the day. Cover body with lotion, allowing yourself to enjoy the sensuality of the experience. Take five minutes to look in the mirror and tell yourself how attractive you are. Focus on the parts of your body that please you most.
There was a girl in my high school who was rather plain, but boys ran after her as if she were a glamorous star. Only years later did I realize this girl?s secret: She acted beautiful. She carried herself as if she were lovely to look at and, by golly, the boys just had to agree. Lucky girl! Somebody ? probably her parents ? had been telling her she was beautiful ever since she was little, and she believed them. And since she thought she was attractive, everyone else did too.
Most of us are not so self-confident. As Stanley Kowalski said to Blanche DuBois in a A Streetcar Named Desire: ?I never met a woman that didn?t know if she was good looking or not without being told.? The trick, however, is to tell ourselves first.
A recent study revealed that the great majority of American women are unhappy with the way their bodies look, particularly with the size and shape of their hips, buttocks and thighs. This same study found that most American men are perfectly content with much better shape than women are? Not at all. Any random sample of men and women will tell you that when it comes to being in shape, men are not way ahead of women. We women have merely been brainwashed. We grew up admiring the pencil-thin and hipless Barbie dolls we played with, and now we?re impressed by picture-perfect physiques of models and film starts we see ? which leaves us with a very narrow idea of the ?right? way to look.
This unfortunate body image makes less than happy lovers. It?s said that if you hate what you?re wearing, you can?t have fun at a party. It?s also true that if you are unhappy and self-conscious about your body, you can not be a relaxed, joyful lover.
There are two ways to improve your body image. One is to get in the best possible shape via diet and exercise. The other, more important, way is to learn to appreciate your body as its is, just the way men do. That?s why I advise installing a full-length mirror in your bedroom, and spending fie private minutes a day giving your body a once-over from a positive point of view. Look for the lines and shapes you like. Tell yourself how good you look. Start your day as a great lover by paying yourself a few compliments.
8:30
On your way to work or alone at the breakfast table after the family has gone, indulge in a private sexual fantasy. Let the fantasy run its course instead of automatically turning your self off because you think it?s ?wrong? to have sexy thoughts without your husband around. Remember, sexual thoughts and feelings are never inappropriate: Only actions can be. There is nothing ?unfaithful? about a fantasy, no matter who?s in the cast of your private video. In fact, fantasizing about other people is often the release that keeps many of us from being unfaithful. We are all sexual beings with sexual feelings that come and go all day long. And being in touch with these erotic feelings from the very beginning of the day goes a long way toward getting ready to be a fabulous lover at night.
10:00
Call your husband at work and make a ?date? to make love with him that night. Tell him you can hardly wait.
12:30 PM
Have lunch with your best friend, and tell her your most intimate sexual thoughts. You?ll both enjoy a good giggle, and that sense of relief you come away with is real: You have just given yourself permission to be a little ?wilder? in bed that night.
On the way back from lunch, stop in a lingerie shop and pick up a little something to wear that makes you feel sexy ? a garter belt, perhaps, or a slinky camisole.
3:00
Allow yourself another little ?sensuous break? over your afternoon coffee: maybe a mental ?undress rehearsal? of the night to come.
4:00
Call your husband again and tell him what you?ve been thinking about. One woman I know began giving her husband what she called ?phone sex?: ?While I was still feeling tingly from my little daydream, I?d call him at his office and tell him I had just had the most delicious X-rated thoughts about him. The first couple of times he was a little annoyed ? I?d interrupted him and all ? but it wasn?t long before I could tell he really enjoyed these breaks. Sometimes, we?d even get down to a few intimate details of what we would do with each other that night. I?m telling you, love has never been better.?
By turning sex into an all-day affair, this woman managed to make her late-night rendezvous with her husband much more exciting. And she did more than simply add to the anticipation; she discovered another secret to being a great lover: talking about sex with her partner. Most of us become at least a little tongue-tied when it comes to sex, especially when we try to describe what we desire. We are afraid we will seem too aggressive, too selfish, too wanton. The phone provides just enough distance to allow us to overcome our shyness and nervousness. We can become a little bolder and, hopefully, our husbands will become more outspoken too.
6:00
On the way home, pick up a pizza for the children. No cooking for you tonight. Another alternative is to pack the kids off to spend the night at Grandma?s or at their friends? so that you can have a whole evening alone with your husband; the two of you can relax over a romantic dinner, catch up on all the conversation you haven?t had time for, and spend the night together in total privacy.
6:30
As always, this is the hardest time of day to have even the mildest sexual feeling. When everyone gets home, you are suddenly thrust into your role of housewife and mother again. But today, you are determined not to let the chores and the children get to you. After you all finish the pizza and the kids start their homework, go upstairs and take a warm, languid bath. Be assertive about safeguarding this uninterrupted time for yourself; otherwise you will end up angry at your family and yourself. That?s no way to start an evening when you want to feel sexy.
Or you could go out for an evening of love in a hotel or motel. ?Sexing out,? as I call it, helps make sex a treat instead of a duty. Take Terri and Borden, for instance: ?The first night we registered at the Holiday Inn without any luggage,? Terri recalled, ?the clerk gave us this suspicious, disapproving look. It was all we could do to keep from giggling until we were alone in the room. We started this joke that the house detective was going to break down the door and demand to see our marriage license. Half the time we laughed and the other half we made love. When we got home, the sitter asked if we had enjoyed the movie and we started giggling all over again. The next chance we got to go to a motel, Borden registered us as George and Martha Washington. This time, the clerk winked. And Borden and I had another wonderful evening.?
Because Terri and Borden made ?sexing out? part of their lives, their sex at home improved too, becoming more frequent and more varied: ?It had sort of a trickle-down effect,? Borden said. ?We brought some ?motel madness? home with us.?
9:00
After the children are tucked in, take your lover to bed. Your day of preparation has paid off; the time has come, and you are ready!
My goal with most of the people I counsel is to encourage them to unlearn the myths that lie between them and sexual pleasure ? particularly the myth that a good lover is a master of sexual technique. That illusion dooms us to feeling like failures when all we have to do to be great lovers is to relax and enjoy each other ? to have the best possible time together!
I smiled at her. ?Heaven deliver us from ?proficient? sex! It sounds just like work.?
So many of us have the idea that sex is a technique to be mastered, like French cooking or a good backhand. Suzanne admitted that she had scoured dozens of popular sex manuals in a search for tips on how to be a better lover, but she still felt that she was disappointing her husband in bed.
?Forget about technique; concentrate on feeling sexual,? I told her. ?It?s a rare man who is disappointed by a contented lover.?
One of the major causes of sexual unhappiness and frustration is preoccupation with technique. We become convinced that we?re doing it wrong, that somehow we do not look right when we make love, that we don?t move our bodies properly or touch our partner in just the right way. If only we could find the right book, the right teacher; if only we knew exactly what to do.
Nonsense! There simply isn?t all that much to learn about sex ? not technically, that is. The fact is, good sex comes pretty naturally ? if we would only let it. Obsessed with technique, we end up doing sex instead of feeling it. We are all control and no pleasure. As I told Suzanne, ?The way to become a good lover is to allow yourself to have fun. All you have to do is enjoy yourself.?
That?s not what most people think, especially those who believe that a ?good lover?s? primary goal is to please her mate. But that?s my point. Too many of us become totally involved in trying to set just the right mood, to look right and move right and be right ? everything but feel right.
If instead of focusing on pleasing our husbands, we focused on our own sexual feelings ? on getting inside ourselves and delighting in our sensations ? we?d be the best lovers in the world. What really makes a woman a great lover, and the best way for a woman to do that is to wholly and openly enjoy herself.
?But how can I enjoy myself,? asked one woman, ?when the only time we have for sex is just before we go to sleep at night??
How, indeed! For many of us, life is hectic enough trying to get the children off to school, ourselves off to work and back home again, dinner on the table, and the kids to bed. By 10 or 11 p.m., how are we supposed to suddenly transform ourselves into fabulous, turned-on lovers? We need more than a dab of perfume to make the transition from hardworking wife and mother to great lover.
But if we allow ourselves to feel sexual all day long, we won?t have to make much of transition, after all. Here?s how to turn another ordinary day into an extraordinary, sexy day: schedule ?sensual interludes? from the moment you wake up until you finally have your husband to yourself.
6:10 AM
Set the alarm 20 minutes early so you can linger in bed a little while, feeling your body slowly come alive. Cuddle with your partner for a few precious moments like you used to in the ?good old days.? Daydream for a few minutes about the special times during your courtship. Remind him of a particularly pleasant memory. And break another tired pattern: Smile at him.
6:45
Pamper yourself. Take your time getting ready for the day. Cover body with lotion, allowing yourself to enjoy the sensuality of the experience. Take five minutes to look in the mirror and tell yourself how attractive you are. Focus on the parts of your body that please you most.
There was a girl in my high school who was rather plain, but boys ran after her as if she were a glamorous star. Only years later did I realize this girl?s secret: She acted beautiful. She carried herself as if she were lovely to look at and, by golly, the boys just had to agree. Lucky girl! Somebody ? probably her parents ? had been telling her she was beautiful ever since she was little, and she believed them. And since she thought she was attractive, everyone else did too.
Most of us are not so self-confident. As Stanley Kowalski said to Blanche DuBois in a A Streetcar Named Desire: ?I never met a woman that didn?t know if she was good looking or not without being told.? The trick, however, is to tell ourselves first.
A recent study revealed that the great majority of American women are unhappy with the way their bodies look, particularly with the size and shape of their hips, buttocks and thighs. This same study found that most American men are perfectly content with much better shape than women are? Not at all. Any random sample of men and women will tell you that when it comes to being in shape, men are not way ahead of women. We women have merely been brainwashed. We grew up admiring the pencil-thin and hipless Barbie dolls we played with, and now we?re impressed by picture-perfect physiques of models and film starts we see ? which leaves us with a very narrow idea of the ?right? way to look.
This unfortunate body image makes less than happy lovers. It?s said that if you hate what you?re wearing, you can?t have fun at a party. It?s also true that if you are unhappy and self-conscious about your body, you can not be a relaxed, joyful lover.
There are two ways to improve your body image. One is to get in the best possible shape via diet and exercise. The other, more important, way is to learn to appreciate your body as its is, just the way men do. That?s why I advise installing a full-length mirror in your bedroom, and spending fie private minutes a day giving your body a once-over from a positive point of view. Look for the lines and shapes you like. Tell yourself how good you look. Start your day as a great lover by paying yourself a few compliments.
8:30
On your way to work or alone at the breakfast table after the family has gone, indulge in a private sexual fantasy. Let the fantasy run its course instead of automatically turning your self off because you think it?s ?wrong? to have sexy thoughts without your husband around. Remember, sexual thoughts and feelings are never inappropriate: Only actions can be. There is nothing ?unfaithful? about a fantasy, no matter who?s in the cast of your private video. In fact, fantasizing about other people is often the release that keeps many of us from being unfaithful. We are all sexual beings with sexual feelings that come and go all day long. And being in touch with these erotic feelings from the very beginning of the day goes a long way toward getting ready to be a fabulous lover at night.
10:00
Call your husband at work and make a ?date? to make love with him that night. Tell him you can hardly wait.
12:30 PM
Have lunch with your best friend, and tell her your most intimate sexual thoughts. You?ll both enjoy a good giggle, and that sense of relief you come away with is real: You have just given yourself permission to be a little ?wilder? in bed that night.
On the way back from lunch, stop in a lingerie shop and pick up a little something to wear that makes you feel sexy ? a garter belt, perhaps, or a slinky camisole.
3:00
Allow yourself another little ?sensuous break? over your afternoon coffee: maybe a mental ?undress rehearsal? of the night to come.
4:00
Call your husband again and tell him what you?ve been thinking about. One woman I know began giving her husband what she called ?phone sex?: ?While I was still feeling tingly from my little daydream, I?d call him at his office and tell him I had just had the most delicious X-rated thoughts about him. The first couple of times he was a little annoyed ? I?d interrupted him and all ? but it wasn?t long before I could tell he really enjoyed these breaks. Sometimes, we?d even get down to a few intimate details of what we would do with each other that night. I?m telling you, love has never been better.?
By turning sex into an all-day affair, this woman managed to make her late-night rendezvous with her husband much more exciting. And she did more than simply add to the anticipation; she discovered another secret to being a great lover: talking about sex with her partner. Most of us become at least a little tongue-tied when it comes to sex, especially when we try to describe what we desire. We are afraid we will seem too aggressive, too selfish, too wanton. The phone provides just enough distance to allow us to overcome our shyness and nervousness. We can become a little bolder and, hopefully, our husbands will become more outspoken too.
6:00
On the way home, pick up a pizza for the children. No cooking for you tonight. Another alternative is to pack the kids off to spend the night at Grandma?s or at their friends? so that you can have a whole evening alone with your husband; the two of you can relax over a romantic dinner, catch up on all the conversation you haven?t had time for, and spend the night together in total privacy.
6:30
As always, this is the hardest time of day to have even the mildest sexual feeling. When everyone gets home, you are suddenly thrust into your role of housewife and mother again. But today, you are determined not to let the chores and the children get to you. After you all finish the pizza and the kids start their homework, go upstairs and take a warm, languid bath. Be assertive about safeguarding this uninterrupted time for yourself; otherwise you will end up angry at your family and yourself. That?s no way to start an evening when you want to feel sexy.
Or you could go out for an evening of love in a hotel or motel. ?Sexing out,? as I call it, helps make sex a treat instead of a duty. Take Terri and Borden, for instance: ?The first night we registered at the Holiday Inn without any luggage,? Terri recalled, ?the clerk gave us this suspicious, disapproving look. It was all we could do to keep from giggling until we were alone in the room. We started this joke that the house detective was going to break down the door and demand to see our marriage license. Half the time we laughed and the other half we made love. When we got home, the sitter asked if we had enjoyed the movie and we started giggling all over again. The next chance we got to go to a motel, Borden registered us as George and Martha Washington. This time, the clerk winked. And Borden and I had another wonderful evening.?
Because Terri and Borden made ?sexing out? part of their lives, their sex at home improved too, becoming more frequent and more varied: ?It had sort of a trickle-down effect,? Borden said. ?We brought some ?motel madness? home with us.?
9:00
After the children are tucked in, take your lover to bed. Your day of preparation has paid off; the time has come, and you are ready!
My goal with most of the people I counsel is to encourage them to unlearn the myths that lie between them and sexual pleasure ? particularly the myth that a good lover is a master of sexual technique. That illusion dooms us to feeling like failures when all we have to do to be great lovers is to relax and enjoy each other ? to have the best possible time together!
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