Sex tips to rekindle the heat

In long-term relationships, it's easy to settle into a routine with your partner that, while may be comfortable, can make your sex life a tad mundane. However, by shaking it up and using these sex tips, you can revive the spark that first brought you two together. Here are a few ideas to consider.

Keep it pretty

First things first, it's impossible to have great sex if you don't feel sexy, so treat yourself to a blowout or some new lingerie, whatever is needed to put the "va-va-voom" back into your step.

Flirt with each other

Make a habit of sending playful, sexy messages to him throughout the day. Make him salivate with anticipation by telling him what you're wearing and what you want to do to him later.

Set the mood

Don't underestimate the power of lighting a few candles. Make sure your  new lingerie, and doesn't have toys littering it. And turn off the tv

Just kiss

Agree to place a ban on sex for a certain length of time and just kiss and focus on foreplay. Abstaining from sex has the added benefit of charging up both of your libidos.

Surprise him

Don't wear any underwear and let him find out.

Watch an erotic film together

It doesn't have to be porn for it to be sexy. Some favorites: Body Heat, Belle du Jour, Last Tango in Paris, Like Water for Chocolate.

Play an adult game

Check out Game night for couples and Games that lovers play for some naughty suggestions.

Discover a new position

There are over 60 different positions in the Kama Sutra, so there's no excuse to not try a new one at least once a week!

Share your fantasies

A little role-playing can be fun and it doesn't have to be limited to the bedroom. Start the fun before you even get home by meeting at a bar and pretending you just met.

Get out of the bedroom

Sometimes a change of locale is all that's needed to rev up the action. Try having sex somewhere unexpected; just be careful not to get caught!
If any of the ideas makes you feel nervous, then you should definitely try it first. The great part of being with someone for an extended period of time is that you can fully trust and feel safe with him, so don't hesitate to try something out of your normal comfort zone, especially if it means revving your sex life up!

How do I use lube during sex?

I want to try lube during sex, but I'm not sure how to use it. Help!

When it comes to maxing out your mattress sessions, wetter is usually better. Since your natural wetness can decrease at times due to a variety of things (for instance, stress, medication and birth-control pills), adding lube helps ease penetration so sex is pleasurable and not painful. But using lubricant can be effective even when you don't have vaginal dryness. It boosts below-the-belt sensation and allows your man to thrust longer and harder without causing you discomfort.

Though lubrication can be made from water, oil, petroleum or silicone, water-based lube is your best bet: It's safe to use with condoms (oil- and petroleum-based lubes can cause latex to deteriorate); it's easily washed away (you're at greater risk of getting an infection with silicone-based lube because it isn't water-soluble, so it's more difficult to wash it and any lingering bacteria away); and it won't stain your sheets. If you're prone to yeast infections, use a water-based product made without glycerin (sugars found in glycerin feed yeast, causing it to multiply) for the same slippery satisfaction.

Once you've scored some slick stuff (try it out solo to find a brand you like), keep it close by your bed for easy access. When you and your man are fooling around, fire up foreplay by pouring a nickel-sized dollop into your palm and rubbing your hands together to warm it up. Then, slowly spread it over the tip of his penis and work your way down his shaft. Have him return the favor and smooth some over your hot spots, too. When you're ready to do the deed, give each other lube jobs again, only this time rub the lubricant over his condom. You can enhance his sensation by adding a drop into the tip of the condom before rolling it on.

During sex, replenish the lube whenever you feel a little dry. Simply stop for a second, have him pull out so you can reapply it over his condom, then let him glide back in. Just make sure you don't overdo it: A little wetness will ease penetration, but too much can make it impossible
to generate frisky friction.

The 10 Biggest Misconceptions About Anal Sex

After chatting with a 39-year-old mom who loves anal sex, I got to thinking about the precise ways in which anal is taboo — and how to mythbust them. Clinical Sexologist and Marriage and Family Therapist Dr. Kat Van Kirk weighed in on what's true about anal, and what's not.

The myth: It will hurt.

The truth: Anal sex doesn't have to hurt. It's often just done incorrectly. Many women find it incredibly pleasurable, and some even report having orgasms with them. If you and your partner start slow, work your way into insertion with smaller implements like fingers and sex toys and use plenty of lube, pain will be the last thing on your mind.

The myth: Once it hurts, it will always hurt.

The truth: So you tried it once and insertion hurt really bad. You made your partner stop and vowed never to go "back" there again. You don't have to shut the backdoor because of one or two negative experiences. Most of these experiences have to do with not following the above instructions: go slow, graduate in size and use lube. Plus there is a nice trick to get you relaxed. If you also stimulate your clitoris at the same time it can encourage the pleasure over pain response.

The myth: Only "sluts" have anal sex.

The truth: You've always heard that bad girls are the only ones willing to have anal sex. In actuality, anal sex has been voted the number one taboo sexual behavior that heterosexual couples want to try. So obviously, we all can't be sluts. There's a natural curiosity about our bodies and if there is pleasure to be had, you should feel you can explore that in a safe and healthy way.

The myth: Having anal sex will save your sex life.

The truth: Yes, I have actually heard this in my office more than once. It usually has to do with a couple that has more than once sexual issue, especially a female who might be inhibited about her sexuality and it is getting in the way of her sex life with her partner. Some men behold anal sex as the holy grail and if they can just get their wives and girlfriends to partake then the floodgates (so to speak) about sex would open in general. Those other issues need to be worked out ahead of time and then if and when she feels open to the experience should they approach the subject. If she is just doing it out of fear of losing her relationship, she probably won't enjoy it anyway.

The myth: Your man won't respect you later.

The truth: So he got what he wanted from you and now wants nothing to do with you? I'm sure this happens occasionally but with more than just anal sex but any sort of sexual activity. Most men though, are modern enough to see anal sex as just one component of healthy sex life. And because of the taboo of anal sex, it might actually help you feel closer and more emotionally bonded to your partner.

The myth: It will cause you physical damage.

The truth: Having any sort of sex the "wrong way" could cause damage. Think about it: If you are vaginally dry and don't use additional lube, you can cause micro-tears in the vagina. The same thing can happen in anal sex. Granted the vagina does create it's own lubrication usually (depending on hormones etc.) and the anus does not but that just means real lube (not saliva) needs to be used for a healthy experience.

The myth: You don't need to use condoms when you have anal sex.

The truth: This is a misconception because many people think that because there is no pregnancy risk that you also don't need to use a condom. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Most STDs are transferrable through the anus (chlamydia, gonorrhea, infectious hepatitis and HIV). Some even more so, because the lining of the anus is much more thin and can be broken more easily if too much dry friction occurs (again, please refer to the importance of lube use).

The myth: Once you give your partner anal sex, it will be all he wants.

The truth: It's no secret, many men do cop to the fact that they enjoy the additional tightness the anus affords as compared to the vagina. But most men don't want to give up the main entry either. Vaginas are still revered. Anal sex tends to be a "treat" mixed into your regular sexual repertoire of play.

The myth: Your anus will get all stretched out.

The truth: Just like the myth that the vagina gets irreparably stretched out from childbirth, this is also a misconception. There were rumors in the late seventies of groups of men who engaged in so much anal activity that they actually lost control of bowel movements. Regular, healthy use of anal sex will not lead to this outcome. Through regular anal sex, your anus does learn to become more relaxed but much of that has to do with your ability to relax yourself mentally for the act. And we all know that the vagina accommodates a wide range of penises, the anus can too — with the right introduction.

The myth: It's dirty (literally).

The truth: This is probably one of the biggest misconceptions I run across. The anus and the lower part of the rectum actually have very little fecal material in them, which means it tends to not be nearly as dirty as you think. This doesn't mean you should transfer the elements into the vagina by having anal sex and then vaginal sex though because they are two different environments, even microscopic fecal elements can cause vaginal infections. Just be sure to as with antimicrobial soap before vaginal re-entry or just end your sexual exploits for that evening with anal sex. Regardless, if you are still concerned, you can always have a bowel movement prior followed by an enema, if you want to be squeaky clean.

The Weird Reason He's Into Oral

Ever wonder why some guys love giving oral, while others don't even think about it? We do, too.

Luckily, a pair of researchers from Michigan's Oakland University set out to find the answer to that very question.

They asked 231 men in committed, heterosexual relationships to fill out a survey about their partners with questions about sexual satisfaction and their feelings about oral.

The point? They wanted to find out how oral sex fits into "sperm competition" among men—in other words, whether or not oral has an effect on a woman's likeliness to cheat.

And the results ended up pretty much like we thought they would: Men with a greater risk for sperm competition—meaning they thought their attractive girlfriends would cheat—are more likely to give oral.

Is that the only reason guys do it? Of course not. Some do it because they like it and want to please you. But, if he's suddenly super interested in going down all the time? You might want to ask him what's up—he might be feeling insecure.

How I Got My Man to Try Sex Toys

It's not easy to get a guy to feel OK with touching anything that looks remotely like a penis. Here's our advice.

I was a late bloomer. This vavavoom, sexy Latina was once a wallflower that asked her friends how to flirt. Need further proof? I lost my virginity at 23.

Once I was sexually active, however, I wanted to explorar. My then boyfriend had me open. Getting freaky in a club? Check. Sex morning, noon and night? Check. Stripteases and lap dances? Check. But what about sex toys? I wanted to try them. I wanted to let my freak flag fly.

And so a new sexual adventure began. It's a process to get a guy to agree to use them. Here's how I did it.

Buying Sex Toys

I bought some toys at a sex shop in The Village in NYC. A vibrator just for my clitoris and a cock ring for his...ahum. I purchased non-threatening toys for a reason. When introducing sex toys, it's important to start with smaller (pun intended) toys as to not bruise your hombre's ego. I also purchased fun items that will help him ease into it, like a tingling, edible cream for blow jobs and edible melting wax. I clearly took note while watching Madonna in "Body of Evidence." Like a virgin, who?

Talking to Your Man

I approached the subject while in bed. When in Rome, right? We began fooling around and I introduced the edible creams and wax. He was excited. What man wouldn't be? You bought a cream to suck him off and make him feel even better? Sign me up! Once I went down south I asked if he wanted to try the cock ring. He was so happy with my special treat that he didn't hesitate.

Focusing on Your Clitoris

If your boyfriend is a little shy, or feels like cock rings and dildo's are too much too soon, there's something you can do. Jus don't talk to him about your clitoris. "Honey, did you know that the clitoris has more nerve endings than a penis?" Turn off. Don't compare clit to pene. What you need to do is show him what you like. This is when you summon your inner fresca and whip out that vibrator. During mid-suck, open your drawer and show him your new toy. Tell him you want to masturbate in front of him. You can use the vibrator then. Once he's turned on (and he will be) give him the vibrator to finish you off.

My man finished me off, and he got off because he pleased me. What man doesn't want to feel like he's the best his woman's ever had? The trick is to assure your papi chulo that he's not competing with the toys; he's working with the toys. Take it from this once shy and inexperienced Dominicana: this collaboration is for the good of The Big O.

Sex Talk Realness: Female Masturbation

Flickin' it: Who, what, where, why, how, and is porn involved? Three real women speak anonymously.

At what age did you first start masturbating?

Woman A: Probably around 5 or 6.
Woman B: 18? 19? Freshman in college.
Woman C: Younger than 4? I don't ever remember not doing it (once I realized what it was). My neighbors, who were sisters, all 1–3 years older than me, told me about it. This is a super-weird concept for me now that I'm an adult, but it was really innocent since there was no comprehension or apprehension. Just, "Hey, check out this cool thing I discovered," like it was a new game.
Were you aware of what masturbation was?
Woman A: No, definitely not. I finally realized what it was when I was 11 or 12 and read Judy Blume's Deenie. (Blume actually used the word "masturbation" so I was able to make the connection). After that, my mother gave me a Catholic book cataloguing every single sin (to be used before going to confession) and I found that "masturbation" was listed under the sins for "Thou shall not commit adultery." After that point I stopped masturbating for around 2 to 3 years. (I swear I'm not as crazy as I used to be).
Woman B: Yes.
Woman C: No, I didn't actually understand what it was until I was probably 9 or 10. This is when I started watching "more mature" movies/television, and when I remember kids talking about sex in general. So once that became a conversation I had a basic knowledge of, it became very obvious that's what I was tapping into with that particular activity.
What was your early-years masturbation technique?
Woman A: Just clitoral stimulation. I also for some reason always laid on my stomach.
Woman B: Just your classic finger-clitoral stimulation.
Woman C: Rubbing on pillows or whatever felt good. The most rudimentary stuff for many, many years.
Has it changed over the years or do you still masturbate the way you did when you first started?
Woman A: It's still the same, but I no longer lay on my stomach. I don't know why I did that?
Woman B: I stick with the classics.
Woman C: No, that would be quite the quirk. There weren't any big changes until high school, once I was actually partaking in sex with a boyfriend. I didn't try anything new on my own, but once I knew other things felt better, they were incorporated.
How quickly are you able to get yourself off?
Woman A: Very, very quickly. It probably only takes me a minute or two, but obviously I like to enjoy it, so I usually stretch it out to make it last longer (also, better orgasms that way).
Woman B: If I'm in a time crunch I could probably have a go in about five minutes?
Woman C: Very fast if there is something or someone else there, i.e., masturbating in front of my boyfriend or porn. I'd say five minutes once I'm actually doing it. If there is nothing else happening — by myself, nothing to see and/or hear, closer to 20 minutes.
How quickly do you come from sex?
Woman A: I am capable of coming from sex without fingering my clitoris but I don't usually choose to. I can come from sex alone after about 10 to 20 minutes. With using both I can come in under five minutes (again, I don't usually choose to make it that fast).
Woman B: Penetration? Rarely, if ever. Depends on the guy. Def not in five minutes.
Woman C: Pretty fast, 5 to 10 minutes, but I usually come multiple times during sex. On average every three to five minutes after the initial orgasm. This is very new though, just in the last year; I feel like I went through a second puberty.
Do you find that masturbation has helped you articulate what you enjoy with your partner/what helps you get off?Woman A: I don't really think that it was masturbation that did that. I think it was dating a man who made me totally comfortable with my sexuality. I used to be extremely embarrassed about masturbating. I didn't tell any of my friends in middle school or early high school, and kind of thought that I was the only one who did it. My first boyfriend asked me if I did, and I'm a horrible liar, so he quickly discovered that I did. He helped me to realize that it was totally normal (something that my Catholic mother would never have talked with me about).
Woman B: I don't think so? But then again, I haven't exactly been with a guy that I feel like being "chatty" with. Is that weird?
Woman C: Yes, I recommend it to friends when they're having trouble, too. Most of the problems my friends tell me about, in my opinion, could be improved upon by either practicing on their own or incorporating masturbation into sex with their partner. It's really important to find out what feels good to you, not just what is supposed to feel good.
Have you ever bought a vibrator? Why/why not?
Woman A: Ugh, god. I really hate vibrators. I bought one at one of those corny at-home sex toy parties when I was in college (that was my first one). Vibrators depress me for some reason. They make me feel like, "I wasn't able to find a man to fuck me, so I settled for this lousy vibrator instead." I think I'd rather just have a one-night stand than use a vibrator, since I'm so easy to get off. I even much prefer to just use my hand than have some artificial dick in me. Although, now that I really like having both vaginal and clitoral stimulation, and I have much better orgasms with both, I should give the ol' vibrator a try again.
Woman B: I swear this is going to be my year! I want one, then I get squeamish, then I want one, and then I actually saw the Rabbit in person at Babeland, and my whole body seized in fear. I guess I just don't know what I really want in a sex toy. Plus, I'm getting myself off just fine.
Woman C: Technically, no, but I had a boyfriend buy one for me as a parting gift when we were entering a long-distance relationship. I spend my disposable income on food.
If so, do you use it?
Woman A: No, I tossed it my senior year of college.
Woman B: (See above.)
Woman C: I never use it because it's so loud, but it was a very nice present! It's the famous Hitachi Magic Wand and it's too rough for me. Every once in awhile, if my roommates are not at home, I'll bring it out along with layers to protect me and make it actually very enjoyable.
Do you use your imagination, watch porn, look at pictures, or ... ?
Woman A: I definitely watch porn, another thing I feel guilty about because a lot of the porn industry is so fucked up, and I don't, like, pay to watch ethical porn or anything. I just like watching what's free on the internet.
Woman B: Imagination and porn.
Woman C: All of the above, I'm the female "Don Jon" minus the addiction, but I prefer sex with another person. The mental and emotional aspects make it way more interesting.
If you watch porn, what kind?
Woman A: I watch a lot of lesbian porn, but I find it pretty unrealistic most of the time, which isn't very hot. I also like anal and dominatrix-y stuff. I also love James Deen (like any other straight-ish girl). I think his porn is ridiculously hot.
Woman B: If straight, I enjoy a good male authority figure role play (teacher, boss, etc). But I also tend to enjoy most lesbian porn (meaning two women, not porn for lesbians) that doesn't focus as much as being as raunchy as possible? I guess when it comes to porn, the less cinéma vérité the better.
Woman C: Whatever looks interesting and is free. When I first started watching porn though, I only watched girl-on-girl just because the guys made me really uncomfortable and whenever they were involved it was all about them. Plus I didn't want to risk seeing something that felt less than consensual, and it functioned as a safety net against seeing that happening. Now, I prefer the guys being there as long as it looks like everyone is happy to be there.
Are you embarrassed to admit you watch it?
Woman A: No, not really. Maybe to a public stadium full of people. Well, also I would never, ever tell my mother. I guess I might if she were a normal person.
Woman B: I used to be. I didn't think other girls would watch porn unless their man wanted them to. Totally a result of not really exploring my sexuality until now.
Woman C: No, but I don't bring it up. I feel guilty because I know the odds of me finding something where all parties are really happy to be doing what they're doing for an anonymous audience are incredibly slim.
Do you talk about masturbation with female friends?
Woman A: Oh, definitely! I don't spare any details from my female friends. We talk about techniques, if we use vibrators or not, how long it takes to get off (basically most of the questions this survey asked).
Woman B: Only recently. Some of my friends still get really uncomfortable talking about it. It upsets me! If I had known that other girls were masturbating I wouldn't have waited as long as I did to do it myself! In high school, guys would joke about masturbation all the time and everyone would laugh. It was cool for them. But if I would have made a joke about that I'm sure I would have been shipped off to Nun Island. It kind of bothers me in retrospect about the conversational limit that women put on themselves and their sexuality. I GET OFF, SO CAN YOU! (JK, kinda.)
Woman C: If they ask, hell yes, but most do not. Even if a female friend is asking me for advice about sex with a partner, they still seem to shy away from the topic, even though it really would help!

Sex Talk Realness: Period Sex

Real men and women weigh in on gettin' down when Aunt Flo's in town. (That's CIA-invented World War II codespeak for "having sex while you're on your period.")

Have you had period sex before?
Man A: You betcha.
Man B: Yup.
Woman A: Yes.
Woman B: No.
If not, why not?
Woman B: I've never had a relationship intimate enough.
Have you had it while in a serious relationship or a casual dating situation? Or both?
Man A: Both.
Man B: Only in relationships.
Woman A: Just while in my most serious relationship. My ex boyfriend wouldn't do it, but my current boyfriend does not give two shits about blood or anything gross, really.
Would you feel differently about it whether it was with a serious partner or a casual one?
Man A: Not at all, but the conversation is different when it happens. In casual sex and hookups, women have to (hopefully pretend to) be embarrassed and guys get this awesome, free declaration of valor and determination. "Oh, no, trust me: This is not a thing," we say, then we swipe our hair out of our face with a giant comb like the Fonz. Then we both start singing "Summer Lovin'" together.
When you're in a relationship, the woman usually handles it with a hardened, cool resolve. It's usually a, "This is going to be messy. Just letting you know if you just did the sheets." It becomes a logistical problem, revolving solely around laundry.
Man B: No.
Woman A: Mmm, maybe. I'm not really a casual relationship type person. I probably wouldn't bleed on a stranger, no, just because I wouldn't want a stranger to bleed on me.
Woman B: I really think period sex requires a little more intimacy. Like, sex is already pretty weird/gross. Adding menstrual blood into the mix, despite the fact that it's totally natural, requires some actual feelings of "I like hanging out with you even when uterine lining is visible."

Men, would you be mad if she had her period and didn't tell you until you were already having sex?
Man A: No. Interesting choice. Potentially hilarious post-sex bathroom trip, but no.
Man B: Don't know how mad I could be having just been laid. I'd be upset if it looked like a murder scene or if I'd gone down on her. Just need to be honest when sex is involved.
Women, do you usually tell the guy you have your period before you have sex?
Woman A: Yes! It's polite!
Woman B: Hypothetically, because I haven't, but I think it's a requirement. You can't just surprise someone with a bloody dick. Not cute.
Men, would you go down on a girl if she had her period?
Man A: I have and would if requested (pro tip: there's not as much blood as penetrative sex, in my experience, for all the reasons you think), but it's messy and more visceral. Sometimes your face gets, uh, dabbed (not covered, like in a grindhouse movie, contrary to popular belief) in blood and that usually tends to turn off the recipient more than anyone. Seeing people's faces covered in blood is an overall bad experience.
Man B: Nope.
Women, would you ask a guy to go down on you if you had your period?
Woman A: Uh, no, that pushes it for me.
Woman B: I mean, I wouldn't ask, but I'd still require some kind of foreplay.
Women, have you ever asked a guy to have sex with you while you're on your period?
Woman A: Yes.
Woman B: No.
Women, if you have, do you feel weird or awkward doing it?
Woman A: [I used to] because my ex made me feel so shitty about it.
Woman B: I probably would.
How do you deal with a potential tampon-up-there situation? (Side note: One time a friend of mine was really drunk and about to have sex with someone, pulled out her tampon, spun it around by the string and threw it. It hit her computer screen and slid down. LOLOLOLLOLLL)
Man A: I cannot remember a time where a woman tried to sexily remove a tampon, and I'm glad that's the case, having read your story.Man B: Never knew this was a thing. I'd just assume if she has a tampon in and things are moving to sex she'd just go in the bathroom and take it out and then get back to the task at hand.
Woman A: Never happened to me!
Woman B: This is probably indicative of [America's] terrible sex ed system, but I feel like a tampon in and then a penis in would somehow risk some kind of a health thing? You just can't be treating your vagina like your satchel purse. One thing at a time.
Women, has it ever helped your menstrual cramps?
Woman A: Not really. [My boyfriend] likes to think it does. Like it's a cure.
How do you avoid both being covered in blood at the end? Do you put a towel down?
Man A: If we're thinking things through, yep, that's the way to do it. Also, I think it's a little bit less about trying not to get blood everywhere (let's interrupt this incredible activity with a procedural cleaning activity!) and more about having stuff on hand to make clean up easy. Have soap and water handy or hop directly into the shower afterwards. It's the easiest way to go.
This is also one of the only times shower sex isn't the worst thing on Earth. For reasons far too scientific for my head, it's a less friction-y experience.
Man B: I've done this, but prefer doing it in the shower.
Woman A: One time I was having sex with my current BF and I thought my period was over, and after sex we turned on the lights and were COVERED IN BLOOD. It was totally traumatizing. We had to soak the bedsheets in the bathtub. He pretended it was like, all cool, but even for my not queasy at all boyfriend it was a little much. I use the softcup now, which is AMAZING AND I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT FOR PERIOD MAINTENANCE AND ALSO PERIOD SEX. Because you can have sex with it in and it prevents blood and ain't no thing.
Men, if you refuse period sex, do you expect a woman to give you oral sex or find other ways to please you during her period?
Man A: No. I'm not a monster. But if the girl is uncomfortable with period sex (this happens, by the way! These women exist!) and still wants to do fuck-around stuff, who is really in a position to decline?
Man B: Can't say I'd demand reparations because I want to fuck and she's on her period. If she wants to go down I wouldn't stop her but no way would I expect it. If I'm down and she's not I just handle my business.
Women, do you go down on him or give him a handjob more often than usual when you're on your period?
Woman A: Nah.
Woman B: I wouldn't say I would go out of my way. I have no problem giving oral the whole week and not getting anything in return - just on the basis that I have to be comfortable with the sex. And I like BJs. But if he was the type of guy to refuse period sex when I was into it, he's not getting anything

Sex Talk Realness: Rim Jobs

Did you know that "rim job" backwards spells "fun?" Except it actually spells boj mir. Here are three real and sexually-active people discussing their rimming (read: anilingus) experiences.

Have you ever participated in anilingus (rimming, salad-tossing)?

Man A: Yes, I'd say I include the anus in about 15% of my pussy-eating expeditions. It's right there. There's skin separating the vulva and the anus is about as wide as 1 to 3 mouse's tails. It's not the great plains. The idea that someone would smush their face as deep as possible into a vagina, but absolutely draw the line at the anus, is ridiculous. It's like someone telling you how much they adore the German countryside but they would never, ever, set foot in Austria.

Man B: Yes, both giving and receiving. Thank you for using the term anilingus.

Woman A: I have had it done, but not performed it.


With a casual or serious partner?

Man A: Both. The best is when you do it to someone who doesn't know you're going to. There's an awkward moment where they're like "are you really doing that" but they don't say it with words — it's half moan half grunt. It's super sexy.

Man B: Serious partner.

Woman A: I feel like I've had it done with both, but I can't exactly remember. Definitely with a serious partner, MAYBE with a casual one?

How serious does the relationship have to be for you to do it?
Man A: Not at all. We could be having our first OK Cupid date and 2 hours later my tongue's club kids could be pushing at your rectum's velvet rope.

Man B: For me to do it on a girl I just have to feel confident that her butthole is clean, so not that serious I guess. For the girl to do it to me: she just has to ask and my butt needs to be clean/not have stray hairs, so also not that serious.

Woman A: I would let any guy do it to me, even if it was a one-night-stand.

Who's more into it, you or your partner?

Man A: It ranges. I like how taboo it is and their acquiescence to it, and they often enjoy that aspect as well, plus the physical sensation. Probably me, though. Have never had a girl ask for it.

Man B: The only girl to do it to me was an ex who asked if she could do it to me. I think she said it reminded her of giving a girl head. She was really into it.

Woman A: I think we were both into him doing it.

Was there an actual verbal request for it from either of you?
Man A: No.

Man B: Yes when I've received it from the one girl at least initially. Maybe during times I got head after that she would just go for it and not ask. The times I've done it to girls I guess I haven't asked. Maybe I like slowly worked my way down there and just kept going based on her reaction that she liked it.

Woman A: No.

Have you both given and received?

Man A: Yes.

Man B: Yes.

Woman A: I've only received.

If you have only received, why?

Woman A: I would probably never, ever give a rim job, unless it was one of his biggest fantasies and he requested it and he had just taken a shower. Then I guess I'd do it.

If you've only given, why? Do you feel like your ass is being overlooked?

Man A: Not very many women are into going down on a guy's ass. Rimming is something you do to a sub, and guys are more often in the dominant role. There's also the ick factor. Girls are often little more squeamish than boys. Then there's the perception thing. I would never ask a lady to do that, though I would certainly accept if she was into it.

Do you think there are the same obligations to mutually perform rimming the way there are with regular oral sex? Or the etiquette is different.

Man A: It's a different etiquette. Regular oral sex is like staying at someone's summer house; there's a reciprocal expectation. Going down on someone's ass is like paying off their IRS debt. It's not something you can expect to go both ways.

Man B: I don't think that there are the same obligations to give your partner a rimjob if they give you one. "To each asshole, its own," my mom would tell me. I am good with whatever my partner wants to do to. Rim jobs are in a category above "giving your partner head b/c they gave you head" reciprocation.

Woman A: Definitely different etiquette. I think it's fine not to reciprocate. (Although to be perfectly honest, in a non-serious relationship I think it's fine not to reciprocate oral. Don't men do that all the time? I've let men go down on me and not returned the favor numerous times. BUT MAYBE I'M JUST A BITCH.)

Men, are women expected to wax their assholes before you do this?

Man A: Nah. Never encountered a hair situation that's bothered me back there. If there was a lot it would be a turn-off and I'd probably just stick to the vag.

Man B: I don't think so? The girls I've done it to never had hair there and from what I remember, they didn't really have many pubic hairs around their vagina or whatever. I would prefer no hairs on the b-hole.

What's the hygenic preparation for rimming, as the receiver? Do you just go right into it or is there a whole cleaning ritual you do?

Man B: I just shaved the extraneous hairs that could get in the way and cleaned myself very well. I didn't really "get up in" my butt to clean it or whatever. That seemed to work OK.

Woman A: I have just let them go straight in, as it's usually not a planned thing.

Have you ever rimmed anyone who you discovered was "unclean" in the area?
Man A: Not to any level that's dissuaded me from continuing the mission. Some girls are more pink than others. I dated a girl once whose asshole was pinker than her vagina. It was amazing. She could also have very agreeable and orgasmic anal sex without lube. She was an anal unicorn. An analcorn.

Man B: No.

Do you use a dental dam or anything?
Man A: No. I've only ever seen one of those in health class. Come to think of it, I never saw one, just heard about it. Using a dental dam to go down on an ass is like bringing a helmet on a roller coaster.

Man B: No.

Women, would you prefer rimming to anal sex? Why?

Woman A: I love anal sex. I probably prefer anal sex, but only because I think it feels even better than rimming.

Women, do you feel self-conscious about getting a rim job?

Woman A: No.

Have you ever had an orgasm from being rimmed?

Man A: Nah.

Man B: Yeah. Orgasms/anything feels an incalculable amount better when you get rimmed. I'd experience a tingling sensation across my entire body that I have yet to experience any other way.

Woman A: No, it's always been combined with oral, so I wouldn't know if I could achieve that by the anal stimulation alone. I might be able to, but personally I love as much simultaneous stimulation as possible.

How do I have phone sex?

My boyfriend and I have a long-distance relationship. To tide us over between visits, he really wants to have phone sex. I have no idea what to say, and I always feel foolish. Any advice?

Phone sex is the perfect way to make a carnal connection when you and your man are apart. And while the thought of it may leave you speechless, tantalizing talk isn't as tricky as you think. Just use your erotic imagination. Share your steamy desires, describe details from your favorite fantasy or tell him, step-by-step, what you wish you were doing to him.

Remember, aural sex isn't all talk and no action. Up the erotic ante by simultaneously masturbating. Explain to each other exactly what you're doing ("I'm tracing circles on my inner thigh") and how it's feeling ("I'm getting so wet"). He'll go nuts. Giving good phone is a lot easier -- and more fun -- if you get into a lusty mood before you dial his digits. Lie back and envision a supercharged bedroom scenario with your guy. Start stroking yourself, and when your pulse is pounding, give him a call.

Since this is your first time starting sexy phone speak, you might be a little tongue-tied. But don't feel forced to say something XXX-rated. Just chat with him as you normally would and ease into a more intimate exchange by saying something as simple as "I wish you were lying next to me." Or lift his libido by reminding him of an incredibly hot sack session you had together. You're guaranteed to get a rise out of him.

If you aren't comfortable initiating a kinky conversation, suggest your boyfriend take the lead. Close your eyes and concentrate on every wanton word. As you touch yourself, fantasize that you're feeling his tantalizing fingers caressing your skin. If at first you feel shy, just moan or sigh while he narrates a naughty story. As the encounter escalates, you may be very surprised at the frisky phrases that pop out of your mouth.

How do I give my guy a hand job?

This may sound silly, but how do I give my guy a really good hand job?

Pleasuring your man manually — whether it's a prelude to penetration or an erotic act in itself — is an incredibly sexy sack skill that's often overlooked. When you and your man are fooling around, have him lie on his back and straddle his thighs. Then, gently rub some water-based lube on his penis. To perform the basic hand job, firmly, but gently, wrap your fingers around his member and move your fist up and down his shaft in a slow,steady motion.
Variety is one of the key ingredients to a moan-worthy hand job, so mix up your speed and pressure as his arousal grows. Don't forget to pay special attention to the super-sensitive corona (the ridge where the head meets the shaft) and frenulum (the thin ridge that runs the length of the underside of his penis). Periodically massaging them with one or two fingers will make him swoon.
You'll also want to try using both hands in tandem -- think of it as doubling his pleasure. To give him an incredibly erotic two-hander, form a ring with your thumb and forefinger at the base of his shaft and gently tug downward, while simultaneously fondling his TLC-craving testicles with your other hand. Another make-his-toes-curl strategy: Handle his member with both hands working in precision, first one hand scaling down his shaft followed directly by the other. Make a gentle twisting motion on the way down, and his head'll spin. Or, wrap both hands around his member and move them in opposite directions as you work your way up and down his shaft. As he nears orgasm, continue stroking his shaft with one hand, while you gently massage his perineum (the nerve-packed stretch of skin between his anus and testicles) with the pointer and middle fingers of your other hand. You'll set him on fire.
Since no two guys are alike, you'll have to experiment with different moves to discover exactly what sends your man over the edge. Just ask him what feels good. Or, have him give you a hands-on demo of how he likes to stimulate himself, then follow his lead. Remember, just as important as technique is attitude, so try not to get hung up on "performance anxiety" and have fun. The fact that you're so willing to please your man is as big a turn-on as any hand job.

Sex Talk Realness: Sex Toys

When did you get your first vibrator?

Woman A: I got my first vibrator as a gag Secret Santa gift from a co-worker friend at my high school job at a pizza place!
Woman B: I was 21, in college. My best friend and I went to a friend's birthday/sex toy party, you know, where they have a lady there who explains all the toys she has and then you can buy them. I was SUPER drunk. And we all bought vibrators. FUN!

What kind was it?

Woman A: It was glow in the dark, the cheap wand kind you get from Spencer's.
Woman B: Ack, I can't even remember. It was similar to the rabbit? I think it might have been an imitation.

Was getting it a positive experience?

Woman A: It was a fun gift to receive—I didn't have to go buy one myself!—but my mom found it in my backpack and yelled at me about it. Weird, since she's pretty sex-positive.
Woman B: I mean, it was okay. I didn't really use it that often. It felt depressing to use instead of a man.

Had you had orgasms before you got it?

Woman A: Yup!
Woman B: Yes, all the time.

How was it the first time you used it?

Woman A: I think the vibrations were a little too strong, those cheap wand vibes feel really mechanical.
Woman B: Eh, I don't think I had a better orgasm.

Is it more focused on clitoral or G-spot stimulation?

Woman A: Clitoral.
Woman B: It did both, but I wish I had gotten one that was only G-Spot stimulation because I like doing the clitoris part myself. Maybe it's because I'm a control freak? I'm even that way in bed with men. I mean, it's hot to have my boyfriend fingering me during sex, but I'd honestly prefer to do it myself.

Have you ever had a bad experience with a sex toy?

Woman A: Not really bad, but I'm not a fan of the Rabbit-style vibes. G-spot stimulation makes me feel more like I have to pee than orgasm.
Woman B: Not really, because I don't use them any more.

Do you use dildos? Why/why not?

Woman A: No, I have male partners and I've never wanted another penetrable in the mix, and I don't use them by myself since I prefer clit simulation for solo activities.
Woman B: No, I prefer to use my hand.

Has a partner ever suggested using a sex toy you didn't want to use?

Woman A: Not yet, knock on wood!
Woman B: Nope, I think I'd be pretty open to trying anything. But I've had pretty vanilla-y boyfriends, so they've never even suggested it.

Do you feel like you enjoy non-sex-toy sex more or less since you started using sex toys?

Woman A: If anything I enjoy non-sex-toy sex more. Toys feel really good but it's enjoyable to feel that good with only biological toys!
Woman B: I definitely prefer non-sex-toy sex.

Do you think it's possible to use sex toys too often?

Woman A: Theoretically, since I've never heard of this problem. Like anything I think if it gets in the way, it might become a problem.
Woman B: Hah, NO. Definitely not. I mean, was that SATC episode supposed to be based on real life? Had Charlotte never had a good orgasm before? I thought that was so weird. I mean, if you've never had a good orgasm before and you're 35 and you get one from a sex toy, I think you SHOULD be blowing off all your friends all the time to use it. You're simply making up for lost time.

Do you use anal sex toys?

Woman A: Nope.
Woman B: I wish.

Have your partners known that you have a sex toy?

Woman A: I think so.
Woman B: Yes. My college boyfriend knew about the vibrator.

How have they felt about it?

Woman A: Haven't minded at all. Probably they were turned on by it!
Woman B: He didn't care/thought it was hot.

Do you enjoy using a vibrator/sex toy or your hand/a pillow/whatever more?

Woman A: I enjoy a vibrator more because it feels better, but my hand will never fail me and it's silent!
Woman B: I prefer my hand.

Do you have a better chance of coming by using a vibrator or having oral/vaginal sex with a person?

Woman A: A vibrator is a no-fail orgasm for me, but having intercourse is almost a guarantee since my broken vibe hasn't been replaced.
Woman B: I can come either way. I prefer to be with a person.

Have you used other kinds of sex toys?

Woman A: Yes!
Woman B: No.

What kinds?

Woman A: Vibrating cock rings, and nipple clamps if those count!
Have you ever used sex toys during sex with your bf? Which ones?
Woman A: I think a small vibrator, it's been awhile!

What would you recommend for a first vibrator?

Woman A: Absolutely the magic/silver bullet—it's inexpensive, small, basically foolproof! Adjustable speed, and it's just as good for using solo as with someone.
Woman B: I don't know that I would recommend a vibrator. I think exploring with your hands teaches you more about yourself, etc. But you know, if a woman is really uncomfortable touching herself, I guess something like a rabbit that has vaginal and clitoral stimulation would be best.

A Complete Beginner's Guide to Anal Sex

In 1977, Cat Stevens retired from music and underwent a dramatic conversion to become a religious Muslim named Yusuf Islam. I can totally relate to this now, because before I used to say I'd never have butt sex and then this weekend I had it.
A few years ago, I was so adamant about never having it that I had the following conversation with my then-roommate, Ben. Reality Bites, which I despise, was on TV.
"I really hate this movie more than anything in the world," I said.
"Even more than butt sex?" (We had discussed my terror of anal before.) "Like if you had to choose whether you were gonna watch Reality Bites or have anal sex—"
"I would rather have anal sex. The ranking is like, everything, and then anal sex, and then watching Reality Bites is dead last."

But that was when I was slightly younger, closed-minded, and very single — which allowed me to make sweeping generalizations about things I'd Never Do without being challenged on them. The risk/return ratio of anal sex seemed very lopsided (Return: The guy you're dating thinks you're cool, or whatever? Risk: Pooping on a penis.) But now that I'm someone's girlfriend, it turns out that when you really like someone, you're more willing to try things you never thought you'd try. Like watching Jason Statham movies and camping and losing the final and only virginity that you've retained since After-Prom.

1. Don't try it if you don't want to. There's a big difference between "I don't necessarily fantasize about getting a penis enema but I want to blow my partner's mind" and "I would rather die than do this but I guess I can suffer through it because he's been pressuring me." If you're in a mutually caring, healthy relationship (with a guy who goes down on you for half an hour, minimum), maybe you'll want to do it for your partner or you won't. Either way is 100 percent fine, and if he keeps pressuring you when you have made it clear that it is not on the table, tell him to suck it.

2. Even if you're monogamous, a condom is probably a good idea. It prevents bacteria from the bowels spreading anywhere. (I know, you really wanna fuck now.) Sexpert Dr. Emily Morse advises keeping baby wipes on the nightstand and to "never use the same condom going from vaginal to anal and back again." For obvious reasons/poopy vagina.

3. The right lube is twice as important as it is when having vaginal sex, which is already super-important. You might have heard that too much lube takes away the friction that makes it feel good for the dude. That's bullshit. There is no such thing as too much lube, because it makes it feel slightly less like you are using your butthole as a handbag for a flashlight.

4. Between thin water-based lubes (like Astroglide) and thicker ones (KY), go with the thicker ones, because they don't dry out as quickly. In sex educator Tristan Taormino's crazy-helpful Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, she mentions that Crisco has been a favorite of the LGBT community for a long time, but it's bad to use with condoms because it can eventually poke tiny holes in the latex.
The oil-based ones are also pretty annoying to get off afterwards. We used Vaseline, but my boyfriend later realized that it deadens sensation on the skin, which was obviously helpful for my asshole but bad for his orgasm. So maybe don't do that, or start with a bit of that but then switch, because it'll take really long for your partner to come, if they even can.

5. Getting the tip in hurts the most, because the head of the penis is the widest part. Once you're past that and up to the shaft, it'll feel a little better. Remember how much regular sex hurt at first, for some of us? (Unless I guess the guy's shaft is the same width as his head, in which case are you guys gonna break up when he has to go back to Xavier's Academy for Gifted Youngsters?)

6. Relax your PC muscles as much as possible. Relaxing and constricting the pubococcygeus (PC) muscles is like the anal version of doing Kegels. You can worry about that later on — right now just let your butthole muscles go, like you're about to poop (you won't, probably).

7. You're going to freak the fuck out that you're pooping but you're not. Honestly, it becomes hard to tell if you are or aren't; additionally, this Tucker Max story was not helpful for my butt sex-phobia. You're probably not gonna poop. If there's a little bit of poop, as my partner said, it's not a big deal, because "[he] asked for this." (There wasn't.)

8. You can lie flat on your stomach, get in doggy-style, or do missionary — and that is the order of what will hurt the least to the most. At least, in my (minimal) experience. You can tear your anus if you use a certain position that allows for more penetration before you're ready, and Taormino points out that the missionary position allows for the least clitoral stimulation and suggests receiver-on-top for beginners. "Insertive partners who are inexperienced, nervous about how to penetrate their partners anally, or fearful of hurting their partners may fin
d this position most relaxing because the receiver can do much of the decision-making and work."
Don't worry about disappointing him by wanting to go slow and gently. You're not being a buzzkill who's squashing his porn-influenced fantasies of pounding the shit out of a girl's butt. You are being an awesome and selfless (if butt sex is not on your list of must-have sex) partner.

9. Like peeing immediately after sex to avoid a UTI, it's good to go to the bathroom right after you're done. You'll also probably feel like you have to anyway. You have also opened yourself up to the joy of butt queefs. They're not farts, no matter what anyone says. Unlike frontal queefs, they might go on for a few hours as the air escapes. On the bright side, you are a human beatbox, and your partner can lay a sick freestyle over the top if s/he feels so inclined.

10. If you despise it, never do it again. It shouldn't take you a few hellish rounds to finally decide it's not for you. If you hate it, you hate it, and that is fine. I didn't hate it, and it was psychologically gratifying to watch my partner's mind being blown. I'd do it again as a "special occasion" thing, like on our anniversary, or Flag Day.

I still hate Reality Bites.

Expectations vs. Reality: Shower Sex

1. Expectation: Time to take a long, luxurious shower and wash all the stress of the day away; time to get all Pantene Pro-V commercial up in here.

Reality: Better take a quick shower because you haven't washed your hair since Lincoln was assassinated. Hopefully you will not fall asleep standing up.

2. Expectation: Guy's like, "Can I join you?" And you're like, "Please do!"

Reality: Guy's like, "I need to get in." And you're like, "Fine."

3. Expectation: There's just enough room for you to ~*~*~eXpLoRe eAcH oThEr's bODieS~*~*~*.
Reality: Two seconds after you start ~*~*~eXpLoRiNg eAcH oThEr's bODieS~*~*~* you whack your elbow on the wall really hard because your shower is ~*~*~*bAsIcALLy a cLoSeT fOr a tOy wOmAn~*~*~.

4. Expectation: He runs his hand down your silken leg.

Reality: He touches your leg and then jerks his hand away because you haven't shaved yet, but plays it off by touching your face instead or something. So smooth.

5. Expectation: You forget the actual hygienic purpose of the shower when you start making out because it's so hot.

Reality: It is kinda hot, but you know what else is hot? Not having such dirty hair that a bat might be nesting in your topknot. Actually, you should put your deep conditioner in before sex, because then it'll have a chance to work its magic while you're having sex. God, you're so brilliant.

6. Expectation: He'll be able to hold you up against a wall and do it standing like it's a Bond movie.

Reality: After a minute against the wall he gets tired, because he's a human. You will try weird, awkward angles where you are both standing upright for a minute or two, until you find a position that is probably more uncomfortable for you than for him.

7. Expectation: You can pull off a shower BJ.

Reality: You almost waterboard yourself.

8. Expectation: No need to grab the lube! Everything's wet!

Reality: Ow, ow, ow, water is not a lubricant.

9. Expectation: You come at the same time.

Reality: You don't come because you're annoyed that during sex you accidentally went under the water and washed your deep conditioner out too early, even though you told him to avoid positions where your head would get wet.

10. Expectation: You dry each other off and go into the bedroom to finish your squeaky-clean intercourse.

Reality: You get out, realizing you have not done any actual washing of your body, get back in to do the actual washing, and either go to work or to sleep.

22 Things Nobody Tells You About Sex

1. It doesn't just "happen." In movies, two perfectly symmetrical-faced people gaze at each other, and in the next scene they're in bed doing it. Alas, when you're single and dating, this rarely happens. It requires a little more work.

2. Sometimes you're too lazy or turned-on to take all your clothes off when it happens, and you wind up leaving some unsexy article of clothing on. And then you're done having sex, and he's still wearing his shirt without pants and underwear, and you are like, "I just slept with Donald Duck."

3. You might only be able to orgasm (or orgasm most easily) in a "weird"/unique position. Like if you're used to masturbating a certain way, that's probably the most guaranteed orgasm position, even if it's not the upward-facing manual clit stimulation you see in images of women masturbating.

4. And that's cool! Being afraid to tell that to the guy you're sleeping with will only result in a one-sided, unsatisfactory sex life. I don't care if you can only get off when you're standing on your head and listening to Phil Collins — if that's what gets you there, he'll learn to love "In The Air Tonight." I'm not saying you can't try other positions, but maybe do yours before you do his, just to make sure everything looks dandy on the post-coital comment card.

5. Balls don't look like what you think they do and hang lower than you thought they would, and at first you will get an impulse to whack it back and forth like a cat would. It is a truth universally acknowledged that all balls looks like the balls of old men.

6. Roughly half of the most common positions are somehow uncomfortable on your knees. That thing where you're doing doggy style but he keeps making it kind of more like froggy style? Ow. Jesus.
7. Sex is more fun sober. O, cruel alcohol: It makes you want to have sex more, yet be way worse at actually having it. It doesn't take long to figure out that being on top is better when you don't have the spins.

8. Lube makes everything better, even though you are not yet an old withered crone from the sea who "needs" it.

9. Some lube tastes weird, making mid-coital BJs more unpleasant. So think that through and buy the strawberry-flavored kind or something.

10. If you don't work out that much, sex will be harder. If you are the kind of sex partner who shares the workload (and if you're not, I will not be having sex with you), you'll quickly realize that cardio has its benefits in the bedroom. But eating cheese in the bedroom is great too? So.

11. There is such a thing as sex lasting too long. Maybe your brain likes it, but if your vagina is ready to stop, roll over and watch Real Housewives, it'll lose its lubrication — and doing this over time can cause lasting damage.

12. Direct pressure on your clitoris can be too intense and feel uncomfortable. Men don't know this, which is why "fingering" to some of them means "pounding like they're playing Doom and your clit is the space bar on the keyboard." Supposedly avoiding direct contact, focusing more on the upper left side rather than the center, is the most pleasurable for women.

13. The person who took your virginity could mean nothing to you. We're brought up to think that we'll have mutual virginity loss with our high school boyfriend, Chad the quarterback, in a Model T overlooking Lover's Point after winning the homecoming game, and afterward cry together, or whatever the hell. Actually it might just be a rando or someone you barely know. And that doesn't mean anything's wrong with you.

14. You're going to queef and eventually it'll get to the point where nobody laughs. The first time it's hysterical/cringeworthy, but eventually it's just like, "There goes a queef." [Does "I don't give a fuck" hand-wave like a 19th century debutante; continues sex.]

15. Penetration is not the best kind of sex for everyone. And a lot of men don't even know that many of us would be psyched with clit stimulation but could take or leave penetration, in terms of orgasmic stimulus.

16. Fun sex can be just as good as sultry sex. It's not always gonna be like, "I'll get the wine, you light the candles; let's have sex like we kind of hate each other." There are also doofy new positions, mid-coital laughing, and generally letting it all hang out. And that speaks volumes about how comfortable you are around each other sexually — which leads to more, and better, orgasms.

17. Lounging around post-coitally in your perfectly clean bed is not a real thing that happens. Negotiating who will lie in the wet spot/getting up for paper towels is.

18. If being demeaned in bed turns you on, it doesn't mean you're weak or submissive in everyday life. And vice versa: Taking control in bed doesn't mean you're a bossy control freak in daily life. Fantasies are often totally separate from your nonsexual personality.

19. How awkward, but necessary, it is to bring up contraception/birth control in the heat of the moment. Sure, we're told to wear condoms, but we're not told precisely how to bring it up when we are going to third base with a guy who's so hot he could be on a CW drama.

20. Switching positions is clumsy and awkward. Unless your sex partner is Black Swan.
21. Sex injuries happen. Like accidentally kneeing the dude in the balls while switching positions or banging your head on the wall during cowgirl.

22. You probably won't come at the same time. Another Hollywood lie. But at least you're both coming! And will be equally exhausted while cuddling afterward.

Can you fake sexual satisfaction?

Meg Ryan did it so convincingly - and hilariously - in When Harry Met Sally. Cynthia Nixon pulled it off with panache in Sex and the City. But should you try 'faking it' at home?
The answer suggested by a recent study: if you're trying to convince your partner that his or her sexual performance is more satisfying than it actually is, you may be wasting your dramatic talents.
Researchers at the University of Waterloo in Ontario asked 84 committed heterosexual couples to come into their lab and answer written questionnaires about both their own levels of sexual satisfaction and that of their partners. When they compared self-reports of satisfaction to partners' perceptions of satisfaction, they were a little surprised to find that, on average, both sexes were fairly good at gauging their partners' sexual satisfaction.
"The results don't necessarily speak to 'faking it' per se, in terms of faking orgasm," says lead author Erin Fallis, a doctoral student in the department of psychology's clinical division. "But they do help us understand how well people do at gauging, is their partner generally fairly satisfied with their sexual relationship - or maybe not so satisfied with that sexual relationship?"
The correlation between the self-reports of satisfaction and the partner's estimated reports was .67 when men were doing the estimating and .66 when women were doing the estimating, Fallis says. Perfect correlation would be 1.00. The study found that people who reported better sexual communication with their partners had more accurate perceptions of their partners' satisfaction.
But even when sexual communication within the relationship was poor, those with good emotional recognition fared better in gauging their partners' satisfaction. The study was published this spring in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour. Earlier research had suggested that people overestimate partners' satisfaction. Fallis and her co-authors cite a study reported in the 1994 book The Social Organisation of Sexuality, in which 28.6 percent of women reported always experiencing orgasm with their primary partners, but 43.5 percent of men reported that their primary partners always experienced orgasm with them. Among the possible explanations for the discrepancy: men might be misinterpreting their partners' sexual cues, they might be over reporting a desirable outcome, or the women might be successfully faking orgasm.
A British study, published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in 2000, found that 69.9 percent of men reported themselves sexually satisfied, while 78.2 percent of women reported their partners were sexually satisfied. Men were better at reading their partners: 82.9 percent of men reported their partners were sexually satisfied, while 79.5 percent of women said they actually were sexually satisfied.
Those studies looked at individuals, rather than couples, and the first looked at orgasm, rather than the broader concept of sexual satisfaction. "We looked at slightly different things, and we were looking at slightly different research questions," says Fallis, adding that the new findings are encouraging. "Overall, we were finding that people are fairly accurate and unbiased."
What's next? The next question for the authors of the University of Waterloo's study on sexual satisfaction and perception: "Does an accurate perception of your partner's sexual satisfaction bode well for your sex life?" They're doing follow-up research in which they are looking at how the couples in their study fared in the bedroom.
"Couples tend to have a sexual script; we tend to develop patterns and routines with our sexual partners, especially in long-term relationships," says lead author Erin Fallis. "What we're predicting is that having those accurate and unbiased perceptions of your partner's satisfaction will help you make decisions about whether you might want to try something new, or maybe stick with your current sexual routine. Having that information will hopefully (improve) your sexual satisfaction over time."

How our fears around sex are damaging girls

The most panicked calls and emails that I receive from parents are the ones that go something like this: "We just found K-Y lubricant in my daughter's room! We are furious and terrified. How soon can we see you?!"
We could replace the K-Y Jelly with any number of signs of sexual "awakening" or activity, and they would all be equally unsettling for many parents of girls. The uncomfortable and scary feelings that come up often lead us to imagine locking her in her room until she's thirty (or at least twenty-one), just so that we don't have to deal with it.
Fear leads some parents to take extreme, restrictive actions that can be more damaging than they are protective because they tell her it is wrong for her to have sexual desires. We perpetuate the absurd notion that female sexuality is either nonexistent or shameful, and ultimately, we prompt her to disconnect from her body-the same one we that want her to love and protect.
Given that the healthy sexual development of our girls is an absolutely fundamental part of their healthy development overall, failing as her guides in this realm means screwing her up on multiple levels-so we need to get it together. This is a really tough one for many of parents, because our thoughts and feelings around the subject of sex are loaded with programming.
The way in which we, as women and men, see ourselves as sexual beings has been determined largely by this programming, and it quickly makes its way to the surface and affects the way in which we perceive our daughters as they begin to discover and explore their sexuality.
The average mum is terrified that her daughter's sexual activity will deem her a "slut," and the average dad knows that she could be objectified by boys and men, just as he was programmed to do. Both are terrified-whether they can define it or not-that this objectification of their daughter will make her a target for ridicule, abuse, rape, or worse. In some cases there is even concern about her behavior bringing shame to her family! We begin to ooze this fear from the mument we even think about our daughter's entry into this realm.
And how does all this fear impact a girl's perception of herself? There are six really big and very connected problems with all this fear swirling around a girl's budding sexuality:

1. Human beings rarely make wise choices from a place of fear.
  Rather, we make rash, unreasonable, extreme choices that often yield the opposite results of what we were hoping for. In this case, our fears can lead us to make poor parenting choices that fail to protect our daughters. Simply saying "no" or implementing extreme restrictions first and foremost makes her associate the feeling of shame with her sexuality.
Second, it will lead her to stop asking questions and seeking accurate information about sex. This puts her at much higher risk for sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Third, it can prompt her to explore in more secretive, less supervised, and less safe settings, like the back seat of someone's car.

2. Because she will undoubtedly feel our fear, she will naturally make associations between her sexual desires and fear.
Imagine if in the weeks and months leading up to her first day of kindergarten, you were exuding fear. She would naturally view going to kindergarten as something scary, and this would hinder her ability to be fully present and capable of getting the most out of the experience.
In the case of her sexual development and desires, she makes the same association, and she, too, becomes more apt to make choices from a place of fear rather than ones rooted in strength and clarity. (Think: "I was afraid he wouldn't like me if I said 'no.'")

3. With this strong message from her parents and myriad similar messages out in the world in tow, by the time she reaches middle school, she begins to face a very common dilemma.
 She realizes there are only two paths to choose from when it comes to her sexuality, and both are dangerous. She will be shamed for being a "prude" or a "tease" if she isn't sexually active, and she will be shamed for being a "slut" or a "whore" if she is. No matter what, she's still expected to be sexy.
In either case, someone other than herself is dictating what is acceptable or unacceptable sexual behavior. This frequently leads a girl to feel a lack of power over her own sexuality, and she will begin to disconnect from her sexual desire and, inevitably, from her body. (Deborah Tolman speaks to this dilemma at length inDilemmas of Desire.)

4. When a girl disconnects from her sexuality and her body, several things happen that put her in danger.
She stops being the gatekeeper of her body. She stops being actively responsible for listening to what feels good and what doesn't, determining who touches her and how, and fiercely protecting herself.
Instead, she explains away her sexual behavior as having "just happened" (easily explained away if she gets "drunk" first). She defers to what someone else determines feels good or doesn't, and she is much less likely to insist that protection is used if it does "just happen." 2

5. This also sets our boys up to receive mixed messages they are underprepared to interpret.
  When a girl doesn't feel like she can own her sexuality and be in charge of her sexual desires without shame, she will expect the boy to take the lead. This can prompt a boy to think that he has permission to go way further than he actually does.
Couple that with the societal ("Man Box") message that he is supposed to be dominant and that he's a "faggot" if he's not, and you've got a recipe for sexual aggression. Current studies show that as many as one in three high school girls has been sexually assaulted by a dating partner. None of us wants this for our daughters, nor do we want our sons to learn about this sexual dilemma through a rape charge.

6. Lastly, all this fear, feeding on itself and growing, leads us to over-manage and under-value female sexuality.
We perpetuate the shaming and subject our girls and our boys to the same programming that has been passed from generation to generation-and once again, the cycle continues.
The impact that these fears have on a girl's development-sexual, psychological, physical, and emotional-is extremely detrimental and there is a strong likelihood that she will carry this disconnection from a core part of her being well into adulthood. We simply cannot underestimate how important it is that we ensure that she has every opportunity to become a well-informed, shame-free, sexual being.

How amateur porn hurts women

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Is Instagram soft porn a good thing?

 Matt Bomer is a babe. There he is, all heavy-lidded eyes, Italian suit, and a jawline so sharp it could slice glass and possibly your heart into a thousand tiny pieces. Matt is smiling coyly, which is understandable given that he has just made the cut for Sarah Gidick's wildly successful Instagram account Porn for Women.

Matt mixes on the account (which currently has 97,180 followers) with people like Christian Bale, who appears in a photo from Little Women dressed in a pirate shirt pressing foreheads with Winona Ryder, David Beckham in soft focus family mode kissing his daughter's cheek and Ryan Gosling, among others.

The hotness of these men is beyond dispute. The question is whether the images should be called porn? And if so, then why does only women's porn have to be so boring and beta-versioned and well-clothed? Why not call the website Hotties for Heteros? Or Babes for Breeders? Why porn?

If you haven't yet seen the Porn for Women Instagram account or the recently launched website, it's basically a very well-selected compilation of aesthetically pleasing white men with a few African-Americans thrown in for good measure. I'm not sure why straight women would not also be attracted to Asian, Latino, Indigenous or African men, but when surveying the smorgasbord of menfolk on the interweb, Gidick has sampled variants of Shepherd's Pie for your delectation.

And like Shepherd's Pie the images themselves are warm, comforting and bland with the meaty parts well hidden. There's no sex, no getting loose, and no nudity. This is because Gidick is expanding the definition of porn to include more female-oriented forms of sensory titillation.

'At the end of the day, women and men are not turned on the same way - it's just the reality of the situation' she told The Daily Beast.

Her own female friends 'sound really happy nine times out of ten when a guy is handsome and treats them well. The perfect package is what makes their head spin.'

Giddick's logic consisted of googling the term porn and finding 'one of the first definitions [to be] a sensory reaction'. From here she thought about how images of food are considered to be porn ergo images of hot men may also be porn.  When handsome men pass girls in the street, she said, they get this 'Oh my god' feeling. So I was like, OK, these images are just like porn.'

Flawless reasoning.

At first glance you might think that the project of turning women from sexual objects to subjects is one that any self-respecting feminist would support. And given that porn does tend to consist of men rhetorically querying whether women's 'pussies like that?', we may want to get behind someone who is making the term porn more female-friendly.

Possibly. But I'm not convinced.

My problem is that Gidick feeds into a centuries-old myth that presents women's sexuality as emotional, monogamous, reproductive and soft-focused in contrast to the salivating, libidinous, polygamous, and bestial sexuality of men.

Porn for men is rapacious and sweaty and naked. Porn for women is Christian Bale in that weird pirate shirt (sorry, can't move on, the image has scarred).

Without casting any doubts upon the accuracy of Gidick's findings from her survey of friends and her Research-By-Google methodology, we might also do well to consider other actual studies of the issue.

For instance eminent sexologist Meredith Chivers tells a very different story. Chivers, as reported in Daniel Bergner's book What do Women Want presented women with a vast collection of pornographic images: gay men having sex, straights merrily copulating, lesbians engaged in spirited sex acts and bonobos humping away. She inserted a device into the women's vaginas to measure blood flow to the area (and thus arousal) and then got them to record how turned on they were by each image. The women's self-reports were conservative: straight women were turned on by straight sex, lesbians by lesbian sex and so forth.

But the inserted device suggested something quite different. Unlike men who also undertook the experiment, women were turned on by virtually everything...yes, including the bonobos.

In fact, the only pornographic image that didn't arouse women was a Swedish man ambling down the beach with a flaccid penis. (It was his flaccid penis, he wasn't carrying a severed one).

What can we conclude from this? Well, a lot of women like seeing images of sex. In fact, according to Bergner, it shows that women's desires more than men's are omnivorous, lusty, polygamous, responsive to rude pictures, and incessantly aroused. And unlike men they are sadly taught to deny these desires.

My problem with Gidick's Porn for Women is that it seems to perpetuate the myth of a passive, homely female sexuality and in so doing to continue the repression and denial of women's desires.

Leaving aside the powder-keg issue of whether feminist porn can actually ever exist, I could think of two improvements to the Porn for Women account. Firstly, non-Anglo men can also be attractive. At present there is not one Asian man on the website nor are there any androgynous looking men.

And secondly, why not represent the true range of women's desires? Chuck in some naked women, gay men, lesbians (and maybe bonobos), stop pretending that women don't like sex and take that ghastly pirate shirt off Christian Bale.

Alpha female? Single? Here's why

Over the past decade New York psychotherapist Dr Sonya Rhodes noticed a pattern in the women coming to her practice. All were "self-confident, accomplished, sexual" but there was something missing - they complained about being "unhappy and frustrated by their lack of success in relationships" she writes in her new book The Alpha Woman Meets Her Match. How Today's Strong Women Can Find Love and Happiness Without Settling.
Dr Rhodes, a relationship expert with 30 years' experience, considered why these "new Alpha women", were failing to find someome to share their lives with. She concluded that instead of looking for a man as successful as themselves, they should reject an Alpha man in favour of their "dependable, responsible, and supportive" Beta opposite - a man who "might just make the best fit" she says.
A typical Alpha woman is self-reliant, can explore her sexuality and make her own life choices, says Dr Rhodes and she is on the rise in education and the professions. But all too often she thinks her perfect partner is someone like her. However a partnership of two Alphas is a recipe for disaster, according to Dr Rhodes. "Clinical experience has shown me that this partnership is at the greatest risk for divorce, because two Alphas will tend to compete for power and dominance" she writes. You only have to think of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to see how two Alphas might clash.
The type of man she should be looking for is not afraid of strong women she says. "He is cooperative but not compliant, accomplished but not a workaholic, assertive but not confrontational. He is the man many contemporary women have been waiting for, but he is not adequately appreciated in a culture where the Alpha male has reigned supreme."
Her relationship advice couldn't be more timely. Women are increasingly out-earning men in the western world. According to research commissioned by the National Australia Bank (NAB) women have reported being the main breadwinner in 39.5 per cent of Australian households. This is an increase of 10.7 per cent since 2008, when 28.8 per cent of women identified themselves as the main household income earner.
But why does choosing a Beta man sound like opting for second best?
Dr Rhodes says she is not suggesting that women marry beneath them. "The Beta male is a 'catch' because he is programmed for partnership" Dr Rhodes tells Life & Style. "He is highly desirable to women who want to share the responsibilities of having a family and working with a supportive, caring man. The Beta male is so secure he is not threatened by the Alpha woman. He will support and respect his partner and care about what is important to her. I think this is pretty terrific."
Karen Chaston from Sydney says she has been the Alpha female for most of her 36-year marriage. She says her husband was very happy to let her follow her career ambitions which saw her rise to the position of Chief Financial Officer (CFO) of a publicly listed company. "He is very secure within himself. He never felt less of man with me earning more money than him" she says. "It worked well in our family with my husband bringing up our sons. He is very close and has a special relationship with his sons."
Dr Rhodes points out there is a big difference between a Beta man and an Omega man. The Omega "is the ultimate narcissist, feeling entitled to live off anyone who will support him and make little, if any, contribution to the household. He may play video games all day, drink an excessive amount of beer, surf the net, and generally enshrine his adolescence. He has no job with which to self-identify and looks down on working stiffs. Do not-ever-confuse the Beta darling with the Omega leech. They are quite different."
But what if you are already married to an Alpha male? Is your relationship doomed? No, says Dr Rhodes. "If you are married to an Alpha it is important to identify your own goals and to present them confidently to your partner. You need to have a strong ego so that you share power and are not dominated by a strong male. There should be room in all relationships for two people to pursue their dreams."